The struggle is real

Dang it. Do I really have to endure myself? I know I want to spend some quiet time alone, but do I really have to be that introspective that I lay myself bare? Can I trudge through Lent some other way? While I may be an introvert, I really don’t enjoy examining my naked soul. Is there some other way to get through Lent? Do I really have to? Can’t I just read another book about Lent? Can’t I just read a bit more scripture? Do I really have to do this, all by myself? What if I don’t like what I see? What if God won’t love me?

This week we are reflecting on Solitude and Struggle. Two giants of faith are held up as examples, and yet they both struggled mightily. I am struck by how both Jacob and Antony the Great were physically wrestling with God. Perhaps that is where God needed to meet them. While I don’t think that is where I am most likely to meet God, I do know that there are places where I do indeed wrestle with God regularly.

This year I started a spiritual journal that has a Weekly Examen practice so that each week there are boxes to note how last week went in 7 aspects of my life (spirit, body, mind, relationships, home, work, resources) so I can stop, reset, reflect and then write down goals for how I am being called to improve my life in those areas. It is not always a pleasant task. More often I want to look at how I can move forward and do better, instead of examining my sins, my failings, my shortcomings. I don’t know if it is I don’t want to admit them, whether I feel them so deeply it is painful to go back there or if I write them down I might have to change.

I might have to change.

This Lenten season I started getting up early and doing my reflection first thing in the morning. I have found I really like that time, and the time I have carved out to write out a reflection helps immensely. But it is the other 23 hours that I am struggling with.

The author mentioned that as we carve out solitude, other forces are at work to keep us away from God. While it may be hard to think of Satan as a force in contemporary life, using a name for these forces like “The Critic” or “The Distractor” resonated deeply today. Perhaps we might indeed try a new mantra for the day, as Havercamp recommends. “God is love” and “Not today, Satan” sound like a good place to start. Let’s not let external or internal voices assault us today without pushing back.  

How goes it for you today?

Find out more about Examen here: https://sacredordinarydays.com/pages/examen